Damn my conscience. Damn, damn, damn.

...I heard myself speak out loud as I drove home from my psychotherapy group pondering the assignment given on problem solving. I thought, "I wouldn't have this problem if I was comfortable living in sin." Ever since I became a Christian, my conscience wouldn't let me do what I want to do. At least not comfortably. My conscience has always betrayed me. But as a Christian, it's even worse. Or better, depending on your perspective. I still wait and hope for what seems to be impossible by the world's standards.

"I can't get no satisfaction, though I try, and I try..." But giving in to temptation is only temporary. I want the good, the lasting, the true. I've asked in Jesus name, I've knocked and am waiting for the door to be opened. I keep asking and knocking and waiting. How much longer? Is my answer no? There's so much I don't understand. Have I messed up so bad that even God can't make sence of my life now? I have no answers, only questions. And I don't know how not to want somethig I don't have.

I don't know about anyone else, but for me, it helps to understand the reasons why. If I knew the waiting would make sence someday, or if there is a purpose in it that I'm not aware of yet, maybe all this would be somehow easier.

Where does hope come from anyway? Does it suddently appear when you least expect it? Or is it like in the Wizard of Oz, something you've had all along? I better keep watch, just in case.