A Letter from a broken heart

Today I was pleasantly surprised by an email from someone I've never met who has written some articles posted on his website: www.gracefortheheart.org (also listed under the links section of this blog)

This article came to me in a timely moment when I needed some encouragement. I hope that it brings you some encouragement as well, just when you need it the most.

With acknowledgements to the Dear Abby column.
The rest of this article is copyrighted by David Orrison (used here by permission) – www.gracefortheheart.org

Today, 04/09/07, the following item appeared in Dear Abby. Here’s the link for the article and her answer: http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/

It struck me that this is amazingly similar to stories I have heard from people who have left legalism and their faith. It seemed appropriate to rework the question from that perspective and offer it here with a special prayer for those whose hearts are still searching for the love and acceptance that the real Jesus offers.

DEAR ABBY: I recently ended a nine-month relationship with a 40-year-old man I'll call Shallow Hal. I was head over heels in love with him. We had a lot in common and our personalities were compatible, but there was one major problem. Hal loved everything about me, but his love for me was contingent upon my losing weight.

Hal told me that when I lost weight, he would treat me better, let me meet his family and introduce me to his friends. Until I did, he denied me all those things, including hugs and kisses. For nine months Hal strung me along, and I believed that losing weight would change everything and we would end up together, happily ever after.
I am currently working on my master's in counseling psychology, and I should have known better. Clearly, Hal did not accept me for who I was, and I should have ended the relationship long ago because he was not into me. Some days he didn't know if he ever wanted to get married and have kids; other days he did. He was definitely unstable.

Why did I put up with this when I was the one who did all the driving to his house and all the courting? And how do I keep all this from replaying in my mind? I hear his weight comments over and over, and it's self-destructive, but I can't seem to let it go. Why do so many women like me waste so much time on men who simply don't care? The worst part is, I still love him. Please advise me. -- HEARTBROKEN IN WEST CHESTER, PA.

Let’s rewrite this a little:

Dear “Gabby”,
I recently ended a nine year relationship with a god I used to be in love with. He told me that he loved me and I surely loved him, but then I realized that there was a problem. He loved me, but his love was contingent upon my staying away from sin and doing enough good things.

This god told me that when I had my life in better shape, he would bless me more. He would help me to fit in better with his people if I just lived more like them. Until I did, he wouldn’t let me feel acceptable or valued or loved. For nine years he strung me along, and I believed that getting my act together would make the difference and we would be happy forever.

I should have known better. Clearly this god didn’t accept me in the first place and I should have ended the relationship sooner. I never knew what he wanted from me. No matter what I did, it wasn’t enough. I would get one thing straight in my life and he would come up with something else. He was definitely unstable.

Why did I put up with this when I was the one who had to do everything? He promised so much, but I never felt the peace and welcome I needed. He gave nothing. And how do I keep all this from replaying in my mind? I hear his negative comments over and over, and it's self-destructive, but I can't seem to let it go. Why do so many people like me waste so much time on a god who simply doesn’t care? The worst part is, I still love him. Please advise me.

Heartbroken


Dear Heartbroken,
Thank you so much for being willing to face the difficult truth of your situation and writing to me about it. Over the years I have talked with many people who have gone through the same kind of thing you describe. All are hurt. All feel betrayed and used. All wish it could have worked.

First, let me tell you that there is good news. There is a God who loves you, just not the one you knew. I’ll come back to this down the line. You see, many people have been introduced to this false god. He disguises himself to look much like the true God, but he is very different in his heart. Usually those who introduce others to him are themselves deceived by him. Sometimes they even think they are gaining points with him for their evangelism. They tell you about his love, but they have never really experienced it for themselves.

There are many false gods, of course, but the one you tried to please is the one I call “performance”. The promise, as you state so well, is that love will come if your performance is good enough. However, he never tells you what “good enough” is. In fact, those who have been held up to you as examples never felt as though they were good enough either. No one wins in the performance system. No matter what you do, there will always be something more.

So why did you enter into a relationship with him in the first place? Why didn’t you see the truth? Well, there was the lie, of course. The promises of love and acceptance, forgiveness and victory, were offered as the “carrot on the stick.” He said that you could have all of that and more, but then added that little and most-powerful word – if. If you do this, then you will receive these things. Like so many others, you learned that the “if” was never fulfilled.

But there’s another reason you didn’t see him for what he was. I realize that I don’t know you, but I am confident that he was able to tap into the feelings that were already in your heart. Why did you need his love? Why did you need his acceptance? Wasn’t it because you already felt unloved and unacceptable? Maybe you have done things in your life that made you feel like you were unworthy. Maybe there have been people in your life that have made you feel unworthy. When he came along, he offered to accept you, but then he did the same thing others have done to you and you have done to yourself.

He pointed out your failures and inadequacies. You didn’t reject his opinion because it was already your opinion. It seemed right to you. Then he gave you hope that someday your inadequacies would be overcome. If you just went through the “five steps” or the “seven principles” your whole life could change. You thought he meant that your image of yourself would change. You made it through all five, or seven, or twelve, but you were still the same at the end. So you tried again, using whatever new system he gave you. Your life changed, I suppose, because eventually you had so much invested in the performance system that you could hardly imagine getting out.

Actually, Heartbroken, you are one of the lucky ones. You have seen the truth. There are many people who have never understood that the system doesn’t work. They just think they haven’t done it right. They have accepted his lies about themselves and they just keep on trying, all the while becoming more and more discouraged and tired. But not you. You got out of that relationship. Now what?

Let me tell you the good news. You see, you wanted the right thing. There is Someone who wants to give you just what your heart has needed for so long. His name is Jesus. Yes, I know that was what the other called himself and I know this will be confusing at first. Just remember that he was an imposter. The real Jesus does love you and wants to live in a good and right relationship with you forever.

Let’s start at the beginning. There is one stumbling block you will have to deal with. The false god told you part of the truth. It is truth you have known almost all of your life so it won’t be hard to accept. The only thing that will be hard to handle is admitting that, after all, it is true.

What I am talking about is the fact that you are inadequate and unworthy – on your own. You have done things that are unacceptable, things that have stained your life. After all that you have been through, you probably find that hard to hear, but you still know that it is true. The good news is that Jesus is ready and able to wash those things away forever.

Because of His great love for you, Jesus went to the cross and suffered and died. He paid the penalty for your sins. Read this carefully: that means it is done. The penalty for your sin has been paid. There is nothing more that you can do to pay for them. The debt is paid in full. That means that nothing in your past can ever be brought up again. But there’s more. It also means that nothing you do now or in the future can ever be placed on your account. In other words, Jesus has already paid for the sins you will do. Sin is no longer an issue in regards to the love He has for you or the acceptance you receive from Him.

So here’s something that may seem strange. You can never be good enough on your own, but Jesus has come to make you good enough in Him. He makes Himself responsible for your “good enough.” He loves you and He has done all that it took to make you acceptable forever.

The false god could never make you good. He could only make you think you could do things to become good on your own. So you tried and you worked hard. Jesus has given you His own goodness. He died to give you His life.

But that isn’t the end of the story. When Jesus rose from the dead, He showed all of creation that He was successful. Those who belong to Him are truly forgiven, truly restored, and truly acceptable to the Father. In Him, they have been re-created, given brand new lives. Yet, they are not sent out to “try to do better this time.” They live these new lives forever and inseparably connected to Him. He is, as He says, the Vine and they are the branches.

So, Heartbroken, you are not left alone now. You have rejected the false god, now accept the true love of the One True God, Jesus. Come to Him and find the peace and rest your heart needs. He will never tell you that you do not measure up to His standards because He takes it on Himself to make you righteous and holy. He will never make you wish for hope because He will be your Hope. He won’t ask you to make commitments and promises in order to be acceptable because He has already made the commitment and promise that has made you acceptable.

How will you get the old thoughts of the false god out of your head and heart? By believing the voice of Jesus. Read of Him in His Word and see how much He loved you. Because of Him, you are accepted forever. Because of His love, you never need to feel unloved again.

Write to me again and we will talk more of this. I just want you to know that I care and I am praying for you and so many others like you. There is hope – in Jesus.
Gabby

End note: If you are “Heartbroken” or if her story describes you, please go to http://www.billygraham.org/

Even if you have done this before, now is the time to do it again. Just walk through the simple presentation of the gospel by the Billy Graham folks and then come back to our site at http://www.gracefortheheart.org/default.asp.

Send me an email to tell me what has happened or to ask a question. I am praying for you.
- Dave