The Cost of Independence Part 2

I thought I'd share my notes of the series we're going through at Sheaves of Joy/Fresh Start. https://freshwaterchurch.ctsmemberconnect.net/home-ctrl.do?view=3&grpId=24385
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In part one of The Cost of Independence Malcolm talks about how we handle blame, some (like Adam) shift the blame onto someone else. Others, (like Eve) accept the blame and internalize it to mean they are somehow defective, do not measure up, a failure at life.

These are my notes:

(the Adam kind) Can't accept the grave of God. He lives happily with rules. Makes him feel superior. Despises non-rule keepers. "I've got it, I'm better, I'm trying and you're not" ... "I thank you, Oh God, I'm not like other men."

No one must get past my mask...know that I'm less than perfect. The Adam kind needs to be needed... Need imperfect people to prove that they're perfect. Gets buzz from being needed, helping the helpless. The "Adam" people often marry the "Eve" people. Those that feel they have no identity and live by the decisions of another, gravitate toward those that need to be needed...to control...to rescue...to fix...to make perfect. They play off each other... it's the shameful dance.

"I'll even let you hurt me if I can think that I'm helping you." It's twisted thinking. That his emotions are a reflection of your behavior.

Approval addiction. Can't say no, got to say yes to keep everyone smiling and happy. Because our identity is coming from their voice. Identity is coming from their voice instead of God's...When God speaks into you that you're loved, you're suddenly free to say "yes" or "no."

Tragedy is that his approval addiction motivation for pleasing people is mistaken for love. Their motivation isn't really love, it's fear of rejection. "I've got to do something for God to love me." (that equation basically shades all their relationships) Ultimately ends up feeling rejected by God. When you know God love you, you're service will be a response to love, not something you do to get it.

Twisted sense of responsibility...leads to resentment...because they can't say no. They have to rescue...they call it service, dedication for love of God but is it really for ourselves. Not love, love is totally for the other person. It's like a boomerang, comes back to you. God kind of love seeks not its own. .. The approval addict works to feel needed so they feel loved.

Identity is in the thanks they get. We desperately need to know the limitless, unconditional love of God, brought to us through Jesus Christ, by His spirit, fall upon us, call us into wholeness and walk back into our life as new persons.... no longer groveling, controlling, rescuing...Now expressions of God's love. His love does not seek return. He loves me whether I love Him back or not. God loves me for my sake, not His. God's is not compelled to love. He loves by choice... not out of obligation or compulsion (or guilt) It's by FREE choice.

He loves freely, without rewards. God does not seek your happiness and accept blame for your decisions (or unhappiness.) His love is not controlled by our emotions or behavior. God's love kills performance. Because our performance does not manipulate God's love -- we can't earn it.

Repentance is saying that I've been thinking I can perform to be acceptable to God and others, admitting that I've sinned and being willing to come just as I am, no excuses, or blameshifting or bargains with God.

A voice from the outside... I find my worth in what He says about me.. I realize now that I'm loved...unconditional without regard to performance.

He is my refuge, my strength, my Savior and I'm a co-worker together with Him.
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